It has been awhile since I’ve written, as I’ve been engulfed by the tidal waves of life. These are the kind of waves that are not conducive to surfing or frolicking. These are the kind of waves that are out of our control, crashing into our world, causing terror and uncertainty, leaving us displaced but happy to be alive. Even though there are warning signs that they are coming, and we can see them in the distance, there is no way to run away or stop them.
Sparing you from all the details, the condensed version is that we moved during the holidays under less than desirable circumstances. During that time, we had a major scare with my dad’s reaction to chemo, which landed him in the hospital. Our financial woes peaked, forcing us (or should I say allowing us) to experience the joy of a simple Christmas. Within the first week that my daughter was home to help us out, her car was totaled when someone pulled out in front of her. Fortunately she walked away with just a sore neck. Meanwhile, work has suddenly become very stressful, with more projects than staff to do them, and I am trying to keep afloat there as well.
It was a true test for me, dealing with all of the chaos and having to let go of needing to get the house completely together right away. I had to set aside my compulsive need for order and enjoy hosting my oldest daughter and husband and our family and friends, despite the disarray. I had to let go and allow others to help me, which has never been easy for me. I’m leaning heavily upon my daughter for her help and support, and now wonder how I would have handled all of this if she hadn’t come home, putting her own life on hold to help out.
Ultimately, it feels good to truly understand that our loved ones are all that matters any way.
I’m so happy to be settling into a house that is much older and smaller yet feels more like home already. It is a relief to be living within our means again and to let go of maintaining a false image.
Now that things are calming down just a bit, I’ve noticed little signs of a set-back with the anxiety and depression; obsessive thinking, forgetfulness, exhaustion, irritability, and physical symptoms that tell me I need to take better care of myself right now. My emotions are like logs jammed into the shoot, making it difficult to sort through them.
As I look ahead to the upcoming year, I see that there are still plenty of things to worry about. Repairing our financial situation, long hours at work, getting our marriage back on track, anticipating my daughter’s move to China soon, continuing to help my dad with his treatments and hoping they will work, and saying good-bye to my youngest daughter when she is ready to move back to the east coast.
Looking too far ahead can seem daunting. Transitions are difficult for me despite the many pleasant surprises they can bring. All I can do is take it one day at a time and return to the basics to ensure my emotional well-being. Getting back into writing this blog is my first step towards regaining my equilibrium.