For the past year, I have been dutifully trying to take people’s advice to move on. Indeed that is what my body has been doing, but my mind and heart have not able to keep up. It is much like expecting to be able run a marathon when you have only been training for a 5K. Somewhere along the way, you will probably stall out from exhaustion. There is nobody that wants to move on more than me, but knowing how is a different story. I feel like I am taking a crash course in life and struggling to do the simplest things. Mostly I have been trying not to feel anything.
Adrenaline was my friend in the beginning, pushing me through, much like it helps a runner get through the first grueling miles of that marathon, numbing me to all the things that hurt. No more holidays and vacations as a family, getting used to going places without a partner, being around married friends, losing couple’s friends, and the sting that I felt when my new grandchild was born and our family was not there together to share in the excitement. These are just some of the things that I (and my family) are adjusting to right now. Moving on seems impossible because I don’t know what I am moving towards. Thinking about the future is unfathomable right now.
I saw Karen Armstrong in an interview with Oprah yesterday, and I really liked what she had to say when asked if she believed in heaven. She said she did not know and that the only real certainty we have is the moment in which we are in right now. Kindness and compassion, making connections with whomever one encounters is really all any of us can do to make it a better place for ourselves. That is what I am choosing to focus on now, rather than what I’ve lost in the past or what my future holds. I am taking things one moment at a time and will resist the urge to have all of the answers in place. My life will unfold as it will, and in the meantime, I will make the most of what I am able to handle at any given time. Some days it will be more, and some days it will be less. I will be kind to myself when something feels like too much, and I will celebrate the small obstacles that I am able to surmount. I will celebrate the wonderful friends that have been there for me, the beauty and love of my family, and the people I have been able to connect with for brief moments in time. These connections with friends, family, and acquaintances are my heaven and offer refuge when I am ready to stop running and rest.