For Everything There is a Season – Coping with Change

I posted these verses a while back and and am re-posting now in light of my current situation.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
 a time to tear, and a time to mend;
a time to keep silent, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Almost two weeks ago I sat at a courtroom table adjacent to my husband of over 30 years and agreed to the disillusionment of our marriage.  I will never forget looking at the clock facing our tables – 9:01 when the hearing started and 9:06 when it ended.  How could it have been so easy yet so hard?  That day was one of the saddest days of my life.  It was a surreal experience that didn’t make much sense as we stood out in the parking lot of the court-house afterwards, with the warmth of the sun caressing our embrace good-bye.   Just one week later we ran into each other at a bike ride and texted each other later that day to concur about how strange it felt being cordial yet distant.  He shared with me how awkward it felt to have someone ask him “who was that?”.   Now that all of the anger has dissolved between us we are left to forge a different kind of relationship, and I know there is much ahead to get through.

I’ve heard it said that when you get a divorce, emotionally you pick up where you left off before you started the relationship.

twenty-something-300x214That would put me at about 20 right now, which makes sense based on the way I’ve acted during the past year, trying to navigate my new role not as a wife but as a single woman.  It has been fun, embarrassing, terrifying, and everything in between.  I’ve tried hard to embrace each moment and to allow myself to experience the vast array of emotions without judgement or self-criticism.  Observing myself without judgment is not in my nature, and sometimes I get pretty down.  I guess that is normal under these circumstances.

There is much more I could share about what it has felt like to go through this experience.  Right now it is too painful to talk about.

For today I will remember that seasons change and sometimes the transition in between is the most difficult part.  I will work on accepting these changes, despite my urge to resist.

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