I had a brother

Scott 2He was my biggest cheerleader.  It has been 6 years since Scott passed away, and I still feel his loss every day.

jessica scotts weddingLast evening when I was looking for my box of winter socks, I came across the grief journal that I started writing a week after Scott died.  For one year after he unexpectedly left us, I kept a journal of my thoughts and feelings.  At first I was simply writing whatever came to mind. After awhile I began to write letters to him.  At the time, there was a lot going on with my family.  My youngest was spiraling into her eating disorder and depression, my oldest daughter was quietly adjusting to married life, my dad was ill, work was difficult, and my marriage was deteriorating despite my efforts to keep it together.

I am so glad I have the journal to remind me of how dear my brother was to me, and to remind me that we were all able to get through those dark times with each others’ support and love.

In my family we came in sets.  My brother and I came first.  We were a year and a half apart and managed to remain close throughout our adult lives.

Ten years later my two sisters came along, only 1-1/2 years apart and still extremely close to each other.

Several years later my two daughters followed, and after the early years of sibling rivalry, they have been fortunate enough to  settle into the warm, cozy bond of sisterhood.

When we are all together, I really miss the other half of my set.  My sisters or daughters will launch into stories about growing up with each other and the fun things they did together, and I can’t help but feel a spasm of sadness knowing that is a conversation Scott and I will never again be able to join.  I still remember the way he would glance at me knowingly whenever we were telling our childhood stories, and I will always miss that unique connection.

Still, I am so grateful that all of the girls have made room for me in their inner circles.  We have a very strong bond, and I have no doubt this type of bond will continue to be passed on to all of our children as well.

I can’t fill the void that Scott’s absence has left in my heart, but there is plenty of love to go around and I feel extremely blessed.

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4 thoughts on “I had a brother

  1. That ‘spasm of sadness’ is such a great way of describing the bittersweet joy of loss. I am so sorry about Scott but your words honour his continued presence in your beautiful family xxx

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  2. So hard to lose someone close. I also lost my only brother, he was the baby of the family and 8 years younger. I have three sisters and we spoiled him terribly. He passed away In a vehicle accident and it was hard on us. I look at the pictures now and it is easier. He was divorced and his two children were young at the time. It has been hard on them and we are not as close as I would like but their mom preferred it that way. I am so sorry for the lose of a very special sibling in your life.

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    • I am so sorry for loss. I know how hard it is on everyone. My brother never had children, and that makes me sad. It must be difficult not to be able to spend as much time as you’d like with your brother’s children. My heart goes out to you, as I know he will always fill a very special place in your heart.

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