Holy S*&t, I’m Going to Die

I have decided not to watch anymore TED talks. It seems like every time I do I find another reason I may die early. One esteemed speaker informed me that because I have a high ACE score I am more likely to A) die at least ten years earlier or B) get hepatitis B.  Hmm, I am not sure of the correlation, but I know that C) I am more likely not to watch that lady speak ever again.

The second TED speaker told me about a study of people who were asked if they believed high levels of stress could cause them to die. The findings were astounding; the people who believed their stress could make them die all died within a year as compared to the people who had as much stress but didn’t believe their stress could make them die. Hmm, fortunately I have always assumed stress was a natural state of being, so I’m hoping I’ll get a pass on that one and not pass-away.

I am also more prone to death because I am a left-hander. Apparently being left-handed is more than just the devil’s sign – it is a sure-fire way to die at a young age. The premise is that we are living in a right-handers world and thus we are way more accident prone. I am not sure if that is the reason I end up falling flat on my face whenever I go running, but so far I seem to have the remarkable ability to pick myself up and keep running, despite the bloody hands and the holes in my running pants. Right-handed scissors do seem to have the potential to cause me great harm if I am not careful, but let’s face it, a scissor mishap is probably more of a danger to the person sitting next to me.

Furthermore, now that I have reached the ripe old age of 50 (something) my friend informed me that she read that women over 50 who fall will die within the next year. I thought maybe she got the number wrong – maybe they were talking about 80 or 90 year olds. She reassured me that, nope, it was women older than 50. And that is why I swim a lot more these days and run a lot less. Skateboarding is out too, and I guess I’ll have to stay off my bike this summer.

Getting down to the nitty-gritty, research shows that mental health issues cut at least 20 years off of my already dwindling life span. Geez, no wonder I have an anxiety disorder. This theory actually did seem to prove true for my mom, although with all due respect, there is a remote chance that her 3 pack a day cigarette habit may have had something to do with the lung cancer that caused her early death.

Family history does play a big  part in one’s longevity. Oh my, that isn’t good either. My mom’s side of the family doesn’t have a great track record, but then with so many of them breeding like rabbits, a few are bound to be lost in the litter, so maybe the odds aren’t as bad as they look.

And there is always, by the grace of God, my dad’s side of the family, who all seem to live well into their 90s. I attribute their longevity to body type and those few extra pounds that get them through things like bird flu or chemotherapy that may cause a weaker, thinner person to perish. Thank you belly fat.

But wait, not so fast, belly fat has been shown to increase a person’s risk of heart attack by 10-fold (I just made that figure up but it is probably in the ballpark). Too late to do anything about this one since I don’t diet!

After completing all of the calculations, I just figured out that I may be living on borrowed time…..nah, I don’t believe it, so I’m going to continue to test my boundaries and live in blissful ignorance.

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21 thoughts on “Holy S*&t, I’m Going to Die

  1. Hi Amy, Very droll!. I do not watch Ted talks anymore either but for different reasons.

    As too, death is something those living. Will all face, eventually. Not to be morbid about it.

    You seem to have figured it out that what is more important is how we live. That’s my approach. Not necessarily by extreme action. Through the little things of universal love and happiness, with what’s allotted. A contentment of each minute and treating others with the respect they deserve.

    Nice blog! Cheers Jamie.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this! I am currently going through an issue with my left knee and have googled knee pain and swelling at least three times a day for the past three days. It’s keeping me from running, so you know that’s causing me anxiety as well. Anyway….care to post this or something else about hypochondria or, in fact, anything you like, on Crazy Good Parent? Email me at jmlindy422@gmail.com.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Amy,

    I love this and laughed until tears dripped off my chin, because it’s so true, and if we don’t laugh about life and getting older, we’ll just sit down and cry (or die).

    Clare

    Liked by 1 person

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