I haven’t posted in a long time and I am not sure why. I could say I have been busy, but it is more than that. Busy is such a meaningless word. I have been filling up the hours in my days no more or less than usual. I’ve been scurrying a long from activity to activity, while intentionally avoiding my blog. The truth is, sometimes it seems weird to share so openly about my life, and it makes me uncomfortable. And yet when I don’t, it feels like there is something missing. Maybe it is because my only true passion is writing, and blogging will probably be as close as I ever get to being a writer, even if it is for my own enjoyment. It felt good to take a break, and now I am happy to be back. Maybe writing again will help me deal with my latest identity crisis, as it seems to have done in the past.
Over all it has been a pretty good year, at least from the outside looking it. I finally finished graduate school and started a new job. I am in a loving relationship, and I just came back from a wonderful vacation. Yet I have been feeling an increasing malaise recently, and I am trying to come to terms with the reasons why.
The biggest reason I’m struggling is probably internal in nature, and revolves around the question of what defines success. I thought I knew what success meant to me, and now I am not so sure. I moved on from my old job this winter for several reasons, burn-out, frustrations about hitting a ceiling, and wanting a change after 20 years. As a feminist, I believe that I ought to strive to achieve to my fullest potential and I’ve pushed myself accordingly.
Now I am learning that success doesn’t always equate with job title or salary. Success is about being true to oneself and liking what one does. Neither of which I am experiencing right now. My new job doesn’t seem to fit my personality, despite my being good at it, and it is causing me a great deal of angst. I know I should give it time, but that’s hard to do when I dread going to work each day. I miss what I did before, and wish I could have found a way to make it work and have some growth without throwing the baby out with the bath water, as they say. Sitting at a desk now looking at spreadsheets all day and going to meeting after meeting is wearing on me. I thought it was the angst of transitioning but it hasn’t gotten any better so I am starting to wonder.
Now I am holding my hands up to the sky, as if there are answers waiting to be captured as they fly towards me in a gust of wind.
I am going to give it some time to figure out what I want. In the meantime, I will make sure to fill my days with the things I enjoy, like writing this blog. I will take it one day at a time and try to remember the hardest lesson of all…
I’ll keep you “posted” on how it is going.