“Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.” — Robert H. Schuller
I saw “Wild” a few days ago and would highly recommend it for an uplifting movie about a girl whose spirit is broken by the death of her mom, addiction, and a failing marriage, and how she finds strength and resilience from within.
Today is the first day of spring – a great time to contemplate one of the most cliché phrases used to describe this time of year and other monumental life events.
“New Beginnings” can seem like such a shallow phrase and its full meaning cannot be grasped until we have experienced it on numerous occasions, both happy and sad. Often it is used when we believe someone needs to get over something and move on.
Yet I still take comfort in knowing that there is a new truth in each passing moment. There is peace in releasing the fear that keeps us from seeking the truth in every situation we encounter. I have wasted a lot of time and energy hiding from the truth, afraid that I would not be able to bear its consequences. Ultimately I have no choice but to accept what is.
I have been told that I am a very strong person and I believe it is true, even though sometimes I feel very weak. Perhaps I am strong because of all of the losses I have experienced in my life. Perhaps it is because I was blessed with the gene for resilience. Whatever the case, I take solace in new beginnings and the opportunity to allow truth to triumph over my fears.
This week I have attempted to write a post on a few occasions but couldn’t quite motivate myself to follow through with the ideas that now lie dormant in my draft box. I am suffering from Adenovirus aka, the virus responsible for the common cold. In my case, it is a mild cold, even though I still feel like someone has shoved a bucket of slime up my nose and down my throat. At its worst, Adenovirus can cause more serious issues such as croup, bronchitis, and pneumonia. So I suppose I am lucky that my 5-day cold has resulted in a minor inconvenience this week and will pass quickly. And while I was still able to experience some pleasure during my week, I can look back now and see how many ways in which it has slowed me down and caused me angst. Here are a few of the more irritating symptoms:
Feelings of achiness and malaise – This made it very difficult to sit through the multitude of meetings without intermittently dozing off to sleep or shaking my leg uncontrollably from all of the Sudafed and caffeine I was hopped up on.
Disruption of normal routine – I wanted to stay on my training schedule for the upcoming triathlon and started off great this week running and swimming like I’d never done before. By the end of the week, I opted for lying on the couch in a crumpled heap of sweat and exhaustion.
Labile mood – It has been a challenging week at work, with auditors here from two separate companies, each reminding me of the many ways in which I should be thinking about a career that requires less attention to detail. My ability to remain assertive and composed vacillated greatly. I have never been known for my ability to conceal my emotions, as my face involuntarily outs me whenever possible, and this week it betrayed me on several occasions. I hate it when someone asks me if I am okay, and especially when it is an auditor!!
Decline in appearance – This is the one that really gets to me – being told I look awful. Yes, I heard that from a few people yesterday. By the end of the week I lacked the energy and cosmetic skill to conceal the outward signs that my cold had inflicted upon me – the red nose, puffy eyes, flared up eczema, not to mention I didn’t have time to wash or blow dry my hair which wildly strayed from the pony tail I’d assembled earlier that morning.
Erratic eating habits – some people starve their cold, I prefer to continue shoving a variety of unhealthy foods into my mouth futily attempting to see if I can prompt my taste buds to wake up and start doing their job.
All of my symptoms elicited people’s empathetic responses – and I heard over and over, “why don’t you go home and rest”, “why are you here, you need to take care of yourself”, “what can I do for you?”
I think you get the picture, but put that picture in a different frame and the reaction my be very different. Let’s say instead of adenovirus, it is depression, an eating disorder, bipolar, anxiety disorder or any other mental health issue that has caused this litany of symptoms. Then how do we react to ourselves, and how do others react to us? Let’s say instead of a few days of minor disruptions, it stretches into weeks, months, or years. Society is much more tolerant of an illness it perceives to be out of our control than the ones that we are supposedly responsible for. Perhaps I had some hand in getting a cold, a few too many late nights, a few too many sweaty jogs in the cold, and not taking care of myself. Yet nobody told me I shouldn’t feel that way or that I should put mind over matter and cheer up. In reality, we don’t have as much say in our health as we would like to, and we may have conditions that make us more susceptible to certain kinds of illnesses, such as asthma, diabetes, etc. Does having a mental illness make us any less worthy of care?
Let’s stop blaming ourselves and others when faced with a mental illness. Let’s offer the same support, encouragement, and love that would lead anyone with an illness to seek the help needed to begin the healing process. Nobody wishes to feel bad whether it is because of a common cold or a mood disorder.
The article below from the NAMI website contains some great tips about treatment options that can be used alone or in addition to medications, depending upon the nature of one’s mental illness. Recovering from a mental illness takes time, effort, dedication, and as much support as possible to prevent one from becoming discouraged with the ups and downs of the process. Don’t be afraid to try some of these suggestions, especially if you feel like you are stuck in a rut and unable to move forward.
I can’t believe I have gotten this far along in my blogging career without writing about worry. In fact, I didn’t even have a worry category or tag until today (well, I will, right after I complete this blog). This revelation is so monumental that I didn’t even worry about the skillet I left on the burner so that I could come into the living room to write it down. It wasn’t until I was alerted by the smell of burning oil that I realized I had actually left a burner on and smoke was billowing from the kitchen. Not to mention the fact that I am now going to be late for work. Progress or cause for more worry??
Could it be that I have actually learned enough techniques that this part of my psyche has somehow taken a back seat to other more pressing issues, such as living in the moment? And what happens if I stop worrying? Will I burn the house down? This thought is cause for great alarm!
I am worried that my capacity for worry is actually diminishing lately, as the pendulum swings into the other direction of complacency. While others at work fret about meeting their deadlines and turning in their monthly reports, I find myself waiting until the last-minute just because I can. Perhaps the fact that I work with a bunch of professional worriers has put it into perspective for me. There is an ongoing debate we have at work about whether we were attracted to our jobs as clinical research professionals because we were a bit obsessive compulsive, or whether the job made us this way. I think I know the answer to this question, having seen a procession of regular, non-worrying people come and go in our department, while the die-hard worriers have hung in there for the past 15+ years, clinging to our desperate need to control something! We torture ourselves pouring over documents, only to have some auditor come in and find the one “i” that wasn’t dotted and the one “t” left uncrossed. Research is the perfect breeding ground for someone who can never be satisfied with a job well down. There are plenty of enforcers coming along behind us to let us know we have not achieved anything close to perfection. I was stricken when my co-worker and I asked our boss which of us was the most anal retentive, and she said that it was neither because there were others in the department that were much more neurotic. I was highly insulted and can’t tell you how many days I spent worrying about that one!
I wish I could say that I am now the master of all of my worries, but not so. I still grapple with what seems to be a family legacy (from my father – thanks dad, didn’t see that one coming) each and every waking moment of my day. Fortunately, before you decide to stop reading and give up hope, I can tell you that it has actually gotten better. Yes, there are ways to put worry in its place. You don’t have to be a prisoner to your worries any more.
So first, here are the worries that I have mastered: fear of flying, public speaking, social situations, heights, elevators, crowds, dying, going “crazy” (as I used to refer to it before I realized how demeaning this term was), gaining weight, going to hell, the future, my health, and many more, mostly related to what people think about me.
Here are the worries I still have issues with: worrying about my children, my grandchild, family and friends, going to prison (not sure what this one is about), getting fired, and looking stupid and/or making an ass of myself; playing cornhole, softball, bowling, volleyball, or any other sport that involves tossing a ball under-handed.
For expediency sake, I have oversimplified both the magnitude of my worries and the recovery process. Chronic worrying can be debilitating and zap one’s energy and zest for life. There were times (and still sometimes are) when I felt like there was a part of my brain that was data-mining for something to worry about, and this led to a lot of misery. It is much better now, thanks to a huge amount of effort on my part.
Here are some things that worked for me over the years:
- Listening to Lucinda Bassett’s tapes, over and over again
- Going to a support group for anxiety
- Taking medication
- Doing the four questions from The Work developed by Byron Katie
- Having great friends with whom I can share my worries and laugh about them
- Relaxation techniques
- Counseling with a good, understanding therapist
- Cognitive Behavioral Techniques
- Attending workshops and seminars
- Regular exercise
- Limiting time spent with people who are negative
- Creative expression – The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron is a great method of tapping into one’s inner creativity
- Developing a sense of humor -watching funny movies and reading books that make me laugh helps keep my mind occupied. I enjoy reading/listening to books on tape by David Sedaris. His lighthearted approach to the years he spent struggling with severe obsessive compulsive behaviors and tics brings a smile to my face every time I listen to him.
- Years of practicing all of the above
I will leave you with this MUST LISTEN TO song if you are like me and worry about being liked. I’m still working on this one!
If you have ever had any type of mental health issue, you will know well the thought of what life will be like when you are “cured”. Much like the person on a diet who imagines how much better things will be after losing 50 pounds, we can easily fall into the habit of deciding to start living life when certain conditions are met. In fact, sometimes we get so caught up in this kind of magical thinking that we neglect to do the actual footwork needed in the moment. Looking forward to a better day can be healthy and give us hope. It can also lead to denial and paralysis. With the first hint of a set-back (like the dieter who eats the piece of chocolate cake) we may be tempted to mentally scrap the day, opting to start again tomorrow.
Recovery from any health issue requires patience and slowing down, as we experience first hand that there are certain things we cannot control. Premature weight bearing on a broken leg can lead to further injury and delayed recovery. When we are in tune with our bodies, they will let us know what is needed. When a person is a struggling with a mental illness, the signals become distorted and it is difficult to trust one’s feelings. This can result in a frenzy of activities that are subconsciously intended to numb us to the current moment such as excessive intake of alcohol, food, drugs, work, and other risky behaviors. We become so proficient at running away from the pain that we create a vacuum in our souls. This vacuum is rooted in the belief that we are not worthy of anything better.
Our most promising chance for recovery is in making the most of the present moment. We will never reach perfection, and sometimes we will make a mess of things. Regardless of how far away we feel we are from that “cure” and how much pain we may be in, being able to focus on the moment at hand without dwelling on the past or worrying about the future can bring a tiny glimmer of peace and hope. We may not be able to control our thoughts, but allowing ourselves to become present in the moment, even for a brief second, will lead us to a greater level of truth.
Slowing down when we are tempted to go faster can provide us with a glimpse into the answers we are seeking. When driving along in a speeding car, how likely are you to notice the buds on a tree in the spring or the wing span of a hawk amidst the white puffy clouds of a summer day? Even if it means facing feelings of despair, there is great value in slowing down enough to acknowledge what is happening in the moment. Sometimes the voice of desperation deep within our soul needs to be heard. Acknowledging that voice can be a scary experience but can also be the catalyst for real growth.
At dinner a couple of weeks ago my friends and I were reminiscing about our fantastic trip to the grand canyon in 2011. We had such fun recalling the trip that I decided to re-post what I wrote shortly after our return. Not only did I have a great time while there, but I learned some valuable lessons as well.
I recently returned from an awe-inspiring 3-day backpacking trip in the Grand Canyon. For those of you who have known my struggles with anxiety in the past, you know that it was nothing less than a triumphant experience for me. The gradual recovery from my fear of flying, heights, and dying (to name a few) over the years has turned this trip into a symbol of hope and gratitude for me. I’ve always been one to push through my fears, and worked hard at not allowing them to keep me from doing things. I’ve flown on a regular basis for work, vacations, and to see my daughters, and even gone to Africa on a medical mission trip. What makes this trip different is that it represents a return to the girl I used to be – the one that didn’t think twice before undertaking an adventure. It was my dear friend who suggested the trip, and we joked that as soon as she brought it up I said “yes”! How wonderful it feels to be in a place where I am saying “yes” to things I’ve always wanted to do without the hesitation that anxiety brings. I’m not saying that I never have moments of anxiety. Sometimes simple, every day experiences can induce more panic than the big challenges. That’s why I have learned to fully appreciate and enjoy any moment where fear is no longer an obstacle.
In the first few days after returning from my trip, I realized that this experience illustrated many lessons about how to handle the challenges of a mental health issue, which I would like to share. Although some of them may seem cliché or obvious, anyone who has struggled with a mental illness knows how important it is to be reminded of them when things get tough.
Lesson #1 – Be Prepared and Seek Help from the Experts: This one seems obvious but can be difficult when one’s judgment is clouded by a mental illness. We were going to take the trip by ourselves but my friend made the brilliant suggestion of going with an experienced tour group. This was an excellent suggestion, as they brought the expertise that we lacked and provided the necessities that we would have overlooked. Being prepared for our trip also included physical conditioning and nutrition, learning about the terrain, weather, camping, backpacking, and asking any questions that came to mind ahead of time. This seems to be a weakness of mine, as I tend to go into things blindly. I am so thankful my friends were on top of this and kept me well-informed.
When it comes to one’s mental health, the first step is finding and relying on a good professional to be your ‘tour guide” and provide you with the answers and tools you need to effectively deal with your issues.
Lesson #2 – Sometimes the Downhill is Harder than the Uphill: This seems counterintuitive. Prior to the trip, I had an argument with my husband, who had done the same hiking trip years earlier. He insisted that the downhill would be harder than going uphill and I insisted that couldn’t be right. I don’t often like to admit he is right, but was he ever! After 7-1/2 miles of downhill, my legs and body were weary from using my muscles to balance myself with each step, and pacing became difficult as I felt I was being propelled forward. Each step downward became harder, as I tried to lessen the impact and maintain my footing. The uphill seemed much easier, as I could take my time getting my footing, without the strain of trying to keep my balance.
This is often true for those with mental health issues. Once over a big uphill hurdle, it seems like the return to everyday activities would be all downhill. That is when it becomes evident that sometimes daily life requires more effort, as we strive to maintain our balance and prevent being propelled back into the stressors that can wear us down.
Lesson #3 – Take Care of Little Problems Before they Become Big: Our wonderful tour guide’s wisdom came in handy with this one. At the first indication of a blister, she had us stop hiking and tape the vulnerable areas to prevent further breakdown and discomfort. This was true for any other aches and pains as well. Resting, rehydrating, wrapping our muscles were all key to making the trip more pleasant.
This is a tough lesson for those with mental health issues who often believe they should tough it out when symptoms begin to resurface, erroneously thinking it is a sign of weakness to ask for additional help. Catching problems early and being willing to take medication, seek counseling, and support from others is key to preventing a painful crisis later on.
Lesson #4 – Don’t Carry Too Much Baggage: I talked earlier about being prepared, and the three of us had a hard time figuring out the difference between bringing too much and too little. Our tour guide assisted us with this, as we sat in the parking lot deciding what to put in our packs. She gently but firmly coaxed us into leaving certain items behind, while affirming that other items would be of good use. It was difficult for the three of us, who are known to over pack, but we were thankful not to have the extra 5 pounds after three days of hiking with the 30 lb.+ packs. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t wish I had some of those items at certain times during the trip, but I got by without them and the lighter load made it worth it.
Sometimes those with mental health issues need assistance in figuring out the things that are complicating their lives and contributing to the unnecessary baggage that weighs them down emotionally and/or physically. Being able to leave some baggage behind in order to move forward is essential to the recovery process.
Lesson #5 – Stop to Enjoy the View: When the hike became particularly grueling it was easy to lose sight of the magnitude of the scenes surrounding us. Inevitably one of us would finally realize this and stop to take a look, prompting the rest of us to do so as well. I didn’t have a camera with me and it became a joke about how I impatiently chided my friend about slowing things down to take pictures. Now I am more than grateful to have those memories captured – not only because it made me stop to take in all of the smells, sounds, and views, but to see it through her eyes, when looking at the beautiful pictures.
When one is in recovery from a mental illness, it is easy to have tunnel vision and not want to stop and see the beauty of a blue sky, flower garden, or the friend in front of you. Sometimes it takes a good friend to remind you to slow down. Being able to do this enhances one’s recovery and is what makes it worth pursuing.
Lesson #6 – There is Something Bigger Than Me: Some call it God, a higher power, mother nature, the great spirit, and/or many other terms over the years. In those three days I came to realize that we are a small part of the vast beauty that exists in our world. I’m glad to know that I am not the center of the universe, and that its existence is not dependent upon me. One can allow little problems to seem so overwhelming that we become paralyzed and afraid to move forward.
It is nice to regain perspective and have the freedom to make choices and mistakes, knowing that life’s “imperfections” are what ultimately shape our world and make it more interesting. Just as the Grand Canyon was carved over millions of years by the Colorado river, one never knows what beauty may later come from what was once perceived as a mistake.
Lesson #7 – Circumstances Can Make Friends of Strangers: We had the pleasure of meeting a couple who was part of our tour group. Prior to our trip, we checked them out using the latest social media tools, and assumed that we had nothing in common with them based on their profiles. This theory was immediately proven wrong within the first few hours of meeting, when were all riding together in the tour guide’s SUV. The woman and I started having a discussion about hormones and figured out we had both recently been diagnosed with under active thyroid. Soon we were all laughing and sharing stories. Her husband, who was quiet in the presence of five women, handled us with a dry sense of humor, piping in with comments along the way. We came to know and love our young, 24-year old free-spirited tour guide as well. Since we’ve returned, we have exchanged e-mails and kept in touch, all drawn together by this incredible experience.
I love that about life. Whether it is on a quiet subway ride to work or during the most grim moment of dealing with a mental illness in the hospital or a support group, with an open mind, one may meet someone who offers friendship and encouragement when it is needed the most.
Lesson #8 – One Person’s Failure is Another Person’s Victory: There are many options to seeing the Grand Canyon. Day trips, lookout points, challenging backpacking trips, alone or with tour groups. It was amazing to see the variety of people who were there – old, young, disabled, different sizes and shapes; all there to challenge and enhance their lives with this incredible experience; all moving at their own paces. I can’t imagine doing what some spoke of doing, going rim to rim to rim in one day, or being part of the long-distance running groups that skirted by us on the narrow paths, with sweat dripping down them. Other’s couldn’t imagine doing what we did, preferring to go instead to an overlook to see the views.
For those who have mental health issues, it is easy to allow comparisons to others make us feel like a failure. “Why can’t I do what they did?” “Why is this so hard for me?” The only person I can compare to is myself. Accepting setbacks as a part of recovery and moving forward from there is the key to recovery. One day we may be able to do things with ease that another day may seem impossible, and sometimes it is necessary to reset our goals, settling for the day trip in order to see the view, rather than the 3 day trip. It is easier to move forward when we accept this rather than comparing to those around us, who have their own set of circumstances and challenges that may be completely different.
Lesson #9 – Remember the Joy, Forget the Agony: By the end of our trip, we were exhausted and sore. The last mile was bittersweet, as we took more frequent breaks to ease our muscle pain and take in our last breaths of the Canyon air and the panoramic view. My recovery period seemed to be longer than my younger counterparts, and it took me a week to shake off the fatigue and muscle aches that now seemed like the only reminder of my trip. In those first few days I couldn’t imagine how I had done it or that I would ever want to do it again. Yet one week later we found ourselves missing it terribly and wanting to go back for another trip. I’m sure I will one day, based solely on the joy I experienced, pushing the aches, pains, and fatigue far to the back of my mind.
Remembering the happy times is vital to one’s recovery. Focusing on the joys experienced in life may seem bittersweet when one doesn’t feel like getting out of bed, pushed down by the pain of a mental illness. Remembering these moments of joy when faced with doubt about the possibility of ever experiencing peace of mind again can be enough to motivate us to do what is necessary to get back on the path to recovery.
Lesson #10 – Hold on When the Wind Blows too Hard: The most terrifying, yet exhilarating part of my trip was when we hiked out to Plateau Point to see the sunset. This was to be the highlight of our trip, with promises of a pink and golden sky as the sun set over the huge rocks around us. As we hiked the mile and a half to get there, it became apparent by the cloudy, overcast sky, that we were not even going to be able to see the sun. The disappointment was palpable, yet we continued on, with the slightest hope that the clouds would dissipate into a miraculous shimmering, crimson sunset. Instead, just as we got to the big lookout rock, there was a huge gust of wind, making it almost impossible to walk across it without bracing oneself. Still, I was compelled to make it to the overlook railing. I grabbed onto the railing just in time for another gust of wind that didn’t seem to let up. I found myself grasping onto the railing, standing next to another young woman, and we instantly bonded over laughs of sheer joy and terror, as it became apparent we would not be able to let go until the wind subsided.
This experience became the defining moment of my trip. Nature was in charge, not me, and all I could do was hold on and enjoy the moment. My friends were not able to make it to the rail, and sat instead on the rock until they felt safe enough to move. Their moment of terror was my moment of freedom.
It is good to be reminded that we are not always in control of the agenda. Life has its own, and when it sweeps one up in a gust of wind, all one can do is hold on and enjoy the moment.
Lesson #11 – The Transition Back is Hard: This is my least favorite lesson. I wanted to believe my life had been transformed by this exhilerating experience, and that I would be able to conquer anything now that I had tapped into my previously unknown reserves of courage. Going back to work and facing personal stressors would be a breeze now – right? Wrong! This week seemed even harder, like jumping into an ice-cold swimming pool. Going back to all of the stress and mundane tasks of life was no fun compared to such an incredible experience. Rather than being renewed, I felt unmotivated. It has been a week since we completed our hike, and I am just now getting my equilibrium.
Transitioning from various situations can be particularly challenging to those with mental health issues. Incorporating some basic coping skills into one’s life as well as patience and understanding can help to make these transitions go a bit more smoothly.
The final Lesson –
This sentiment is never more true than when one commits to maintaining his/her mental health. There are times when one may forget or decide to stop doing what is necessary to maintain mental and emotional stability, ultimately finding themselves hitting bottom once again. Surviving these setbacks is dependent upon one’s willingness to take the necessary steps to climb back out of the hole. Going back to the basics such as seeking professional help, attending doctor’s appointments, utilizing medication if necessary, and taking care of one’s self are mandatory elements of this process and will lead to a more successful recovery.
I look forward to my next adventure. Until then, I will make an effort to apply the lessons learned in the Grand Canyon to my every day life.
1) The only thing that is perfect is what is happening in this moment because it is indisputable. Applying perfectionist standards to our past experiences is another way to fruitlessly torture ourselves, yet many of us do this on a regular basis. Thinking we can change anything that has already happened is like thinking we can go back in time and stop the meteor that landed in Arizona from crashing into the desert, leaving behind its wondrous crater. Lamenting about how things should have been is a waste of time. The better use of our energy is to utilize the knowledge gained from our experiences to grow and direct our next steps, appreciating the imprint our past experiences have left on our environment and our souls. 2)The type of perfection we are seeking doesn’t exist. Each individual has his or her own idea of what constitutes perfection. The word “perfect” is overused and often serves as an excuse to pursue one’s own ideas about what is right while disregarding everyone else’s perspectives. This is illustrated in the number of religions in the world and the vast array of beliefs that are associated with those religions. It is also illustrated in the many heinous crimes that have been committed under the guise of seeking perfection for religious and political causes.
3)We are not wired to be perfect. Even those individuals who have achieved great things by society’s standards have many characteristics that would be considered imperfect by those same standards. Our so-called negative traits do not diminish our contributions to society. Einstein contributed much to our understanding of the universe, yet he experienced the same conflicts in his interpersonal relationships as the rest of us. Mother Theresa demonstrated the ultimate philanthropical spirit of love in God’s name, yet the writings she left behind showed that she had many doubts about the goodness of mankind and the existence of God. It can take a lifetime of learning to recognize the importance of making mistakes. What really counts is not allowing our shortcomings to stand in the way of leading a fulfilling life.
4)Perfectionists are no fun. Some people try hard to conceal their true selves, relying on their outside accomplishments to define themselves. Their self-worth is derived mainly by their appearances and status. All of us do this to a certain extent, but it can be taken to extremes. There is nothing wrong with working hard to bring beauty into the world. It is when we place more value on our achievements and status than on our fellow human beings that our relationships begin to suffer. Consider how much delight it gave everyone when the beautiful actress, Jennifer Lawrence, tripped at the Oscars. It makes us all feel a little better when people are willing to expose their flaws as well. Let’s embrace our imperfections and have some fun!
5)Perfectionism is a cage that limits our possibilities. When we rigidly limit ourselves to a particular outcome, we are not open to the possibility that perhaps something even better exists. This type of perfectionism can blind us to the opportunities that are in front of us right now. Maintaining flexibility in our expectations will lead to greater satisfaction than creating standards that are impossible to achieve.
6) The pursuit of perfection can be a clever disguise for the pursuit of superiority. It isn’t our fault that we were made to compete with each other in order to survive. This biologically innate nature drives us to want to be better than those around us. This desire is rooted in the basic concept of “survival of the fittest” and is necessary to stay alive. But we do have a choice about how to utilize that drive for the sake of humanity and not just ourselves. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable at times can lead to a feeling of connection with those around us.
7)The pursuit of perfection is an obstacle to our peace of mind. The perfection we are seeking distracts us from being able to embrace reality. It is often easier to focus on something we believe will bring us happiness than to appreciate the random, exciting nature of the world in which we live. If our fundamental underlying belief is that we need to be in control of all situations (and clearly we are not), than we will make ourselves miserable trying to achieve our misguided idea of perfection.
8)The pursuit of perfection can cause us to make more mistakes. Studies have shown that musicians who are perfectionists are more likely to make mistakes than their counterparts who are able to let go of their expectations and relax. Anyone who has ever been terrified to speak in public, perform on stage, or participate in a big competition understands all too well the fear of not living up to other people’s expectations. The realization that we don’t have to do things perfectly can be such a freeing experience.
9)There is a difference between striving to do well and striving for perfection. Striving to do well is rooted in love, while striving for perfection is rooted in the ego. If you have ever watched Julia Child preparing one of her famous recipes, you will know what I am talking about. She loved cooking and did not let it phase her when she made mistakes on air. There are many reality shows about cooking now, like Hell’s Kitchen, that teach us more about the heartache of not living up to someone’s standards of perfection than about the joys of cooking. This all or nothing approach is a reflection of a culture that has adopted a perfectionists’ mentality, but that doesn’t mean we have to buy into it.
Resist the urge to be perfect and start living your life with passion.
It has been awhile since I’ve written, as I’ve been engulfed by the tidal waves of life. These are the kind of waves that are not conducive to surfing or frolicking. These are the kind of waves that are out of our control, crashing into our world, causing terror and uncertainty, leaving us displaced but happy to be alive. Even though there are warning signs that they are coming, and we can see them in the distance, there is no way to run away or stop them.
Sparing you from all the details, the condensed version is that we moved during the holidays under less than desirable circumstances. During that time, we had a major scare with my dad’s reaction to chemo, which landed him in the hospital. Our financial woes peaked, forcing us (or should I say allowing us) to experience the joy of a simple Christmas. Within the first week that my daughter was home to help us out, her car was totaled when someone pulled out in front of her. Fortunately she walked away with just a sore neck. Meanwhile, work has suddenly become very stressful, with more projects than staff to do them, and I am trying to keep afloat there as well.
It was a true test for me, dealing with all of the chaos and having to let go of needing to get the house completely together right away. I had to set aside my compulsive need for order and enjoy hosting my oldest daughter and husband and our family and friends, despite the disarray. I had to let go and allow others to help me, which has never been easy for me. I’m leaning heavily upon my daughter for her help and support, and now wonder how I would have handled all of this if she hadn’t come home, putting her own life on hold to help out.
Ultimately, it feels good to truly understand that our loved ones are all that matters any way.
I’m so happy to be settling into a house that is much older and smaller yet feels more like home already. It is a relief to be living within our means again and to let go of maintaining a false image.
Now that things are calming down just a bit, I’ve noticed little signs of a set-back with the anxiety and depression; obsessive thinking, forgetfulness, exhaustion, irritability, and physical symptoms that tell me I need to take better care of myself right now. My emotions are like logs jammed into the shoot, making it difficult to sort through them.
As I look ahead to the upcoming year, I see that there are still plenty of things to worry about. Repairing our financial situation, long hours at work, getting our marriage back on track, anticipating my daughter’s move to China soon, continuing to help my dad with his treatments and hoping they will work, and saying good-bye to my youngest daughter when she is ready to move back to the east coast.
Looking too far ahead can seem daunting. Transitions are difficult for me despite the many pleasant surprises they can bring. All I can do is take it one day at a time and return to the basics to ensure my emotional well-being. Getting back into writing this blog is my first step towards regaining my equilibrium.